9/6/15

From now on I will be writing based off of notes taken throughout the evening. I constantly kick myself for dragging my feet on this and waiting over 3 months to buy a $.99 notebook.

I actually originally bought the notebook to practice handwriting exercises to hopefully improve my horrible penmanship, but I soon found myself scribbling about the evening's happenings instead. The first entry, from September 6th, 2015, says:

"I introduced myself to the 4th prospects. It felt like gearing myself up to cut off my own foot with no meds. Not that cutting off one's foot would be easy regardless. I almost went home rather than put myself through it. I feel a crushing sense of my own struggles and failures. I have no magnetic personality or ruthless aggression."

During the last sentence I was thinking of certain people I've met in my life who have a charismatic personality or at least the passion and stamina necessary to win acquiescence. Sales people especially seem to have one or both of these qualities. You can also see them often in preachers and politicians. What really strikes me about them is that they seem to have regard for the feelings of their audience/market on the subject. They forge ahead regardless of the response. I am always acutely aware of my buyer's attitude and am quick to back down if I sense disinterest.

Then I wrote:

"Am I contributing to the oppression of women? Dressing up in my finery and allowing men to summon or send me away witha  finger? Hanging on them and begging for my money? Maybe I should go be a..." and then I tallied up my yearly income.

"Ok, so I'm not doing terrible. I can definitely survive. This is only my first post-grad year and I've learned sooo much. I need to give myself a break don't I?"

Later:

"I'm trying to gear myself up to approach someone else. i can't do it. I just hate rejection so much. Oh my gosh, come on Frances! Just 2 more (I made myself approach at least 6 people or tables per night) then you can go home. Nope I can't. I can't do it. Everyone but me is sitting with someone. Just relax, you've been through this before. You'll be fine. You have every right to talk to anyone you want. This is your house, welcome them (that's what my boss at my part time job, also sales unfortunately, tells us to do with customers). Say hello and how is your night and such with real warmth. Think of it more as building connections than asking for money.

5. Ok I did it. It was ugly and awkward but I did it and I made him laugh!

6. They were nice, one guy even asked how I was and they were only a little bit awkward. 

I did it, I didn't even care if I got a drink. I just needed to approach six people. K showed up but I think I'll go after talking to her."


That was a really rough night.