"It's been raining all day and the bar is dead. The girls sit around and chat lazily. It must be nice getting paid AND making a shit ton of money. Why am I doing this again?"
I should note here that I am not drawing any pay from this bar. It sounds sketchy but it's fairly common, especially for a struggling girl like me. I would say about 10-15 of the girls receive minimum and are expected to be there six days a week from 7:30-1:30. Although I don't have the security of a paycheck, I can come and go as I please. Another downside is that the bar has nothing invested in me so there's no effort by the Mama or, more commonly, the waiters to introduce me to customers. A couple of the girls have been very kind however and sometimes recommend a table for me to try. This comes especially from my friend K, who is from Taiwan, and a lady from Vietnam.
1. J came in and bought me 2 drinks. We watched the volleyball game and he hugged me when Hawaii won.
2. 2 guys who barely made eye contact and turned away.
I was talking to the Vietnamese woman (I really should learn her name) who said she's been doing this for 10 years. Gawd these people suck at being comforting. I shared my struggles from last night and asked if she'd had any trouble when she first started and she said not really. Thanks.
That's the thing about kindness here; I've experienced it, but I can't expect it. Everyone is focused on the money and a person can sink or swim. So people can be completely cold and uninterested in my well being, but there are exceptions. Like my first night there when I had one drink and was almost in tears. A Korean girl who is always studying English asked how I had done and I just held up 1 finger and looked back down miserably. She got up and left, but came back a minute later with a glass of tea and $15. She had bought me a second drink! I almost did burst into tears at that.
3. I didn't make a huge effort, just asked about the score. The guy was super awkward and I felt weird trying to continue talking to him.
Kitchen Mama always stares at me angrily it seems, even though I feel like I tip her fairly when I eat and try to be friendly. I asked for a fried egg tonight with my dinner. People have told me that that's a completely reasonable thing to do. She gestured indignantly at the other pots filled with food for the girls. I can see her point - she had made a lot of food, but I hate fish soup and the rest of it was super spicy or meat-based.
I wonder what S is doing now? She's the only Asian girl I've met here who doesn't seem to be doing terrifically. It seems weird to me because she's super hot and perky. She's mixed korean/Japanese with long black hair, a lithe body covered in attractive tattoos on her shoulders, and a beautifully symmetrical and made-up face. She always looks amazing and I tell her so. She said men don't like girls with tattoos. I wonder if that's true? I asked the other S who's experienced working behind the bar and she said that tattoo S isn't aggressive enough. It's true she's told me in the past that she waits for the waiter to come and get her. Still, men in general there seem to want one specific thing. I would think there'd be plenty willing to put aside their expectations for her though!
4 Local guy. Polite enough but just didn't seem interested.
5. Waiting for someone.
6. 3 guys, probably Korean. Looked chagrined when I sat down, muttered uncomfortably to each other and then told me sorry it was too early.
I'll wait until 11:30, then I'll go home. I've been sleeping so much. Last night I slept from 1-11, then from 2:30-6, and I can't wait to face my bed again. IIs it because of stress/depression? Probably just my body being itself.
These other girls are so calm. They aren't stressed. I wish life could be easier. I'm willing to do without a lot, but I can feel the constant financial anxiety eating away at me.
Maybe I shoudl go back to Indiana and let Dad help me find a job. I'm afraid though, I always feel so mentally fatigued. Just getting normal things like paying bills or cooking and cleaning seem excruciatingly hard.
Oh look there's K. She just waltzed in and got a customer again. I try to remember that she used to own a bar like this, except it was Taiwanese, so she's more comfortable here, but God it's hard. I'm her for 3 hours, I talk to at least 6 people and I have 2 measly drinks. She comes in at 10:30 and makes her money. Dammit I didn't even see that white guy. (K and I normally go for white guys because they're the most likely to buy us drinks, me because I'm white, her because she speaks English fairly well).
7. Some young guy who just raised his hand and looked back at the video he was watching on his ph
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